Do you have trust issues and find yourself questioning your partner about EVERYTHING?
Well, I do.
Hi, I’m Kaitlyn! In this blog I’m going to be talking about my own experiences with cheating and being lied to and my aftermath trust issues.
In December 2015 I found out I was pregnant. The father of my child was a Sergeant whom I was “seeing” from my unit. Our relationship was very on and off to begin with. In fact, I wouldn’t even classify us as dating. He saw me as a girl he could ring at 2am for a booty call. I wasn’t that type of girl at all. Long story short, one weekend I consented to having sex with him and wound up pregnant.
I left this Sergeant almost immediately after it happened. I found out he was trying to sleep with the girls I work with the entire time we were “seeing” each other.
I found out I was pregnant 9 weeks later and found myself scared to tell people. I was scared to tell my work and my friends and family. No one knew that him and I were even a thing! I told my family everything and decided to wait until I was 12 weeks to tell the father of my unborn child.
His response? “Get rid of it, I don’t want a kid with you.”
Surprisingly I wasn’t surprised. I later found out he had a fiancé and a child from a previous relationship.
3 months later and 16 weeks pregnant I met the love of my life, Steven. He was everything I could have asked for and more. He accepted me for who I was and all of my flaws. We knew we loved each other on our second date.
I would fly outerstate to spend every weekend with him because I honestly couldn’t bare being away from him. We shortly made it official. He was going to be the father of my unborn child and was ready to love a stranger. We had made plans of me living with him whilst I was on maternity leave.
He was there for the birth of our beautiful baby girl and 2 weeks later we had a house in Sydney living as one big happy family!
Happily ever after?
I had always known of my partners past with his ex girlfriends and the kind of lifestyle he enjoyed. He, unlike myself, has had many long term relationships. I don’t think I would have invested my time into snooping around his belongs if he didn’t still have pictures of them in his room or on social media.
He was previously engaged 6 months before we were seeing each other. She apparently broke up with him a few days before the wedding. I had always heard the story of “she was sleeping with another guy.” Although that was in fact the case, there was plenty more to the story that I found out.
In his room I found photographs of his ex fiancé and previous girlfriends before her. I found love letters, gifts and even pornography of them both. One day while my partner was at work I asked him if I could use his laptop to watch some movies. He told me fine as long as I didn’t go through his files. So what did I do? I went through every single photo album, internet search history and documentation on his laptop.
I started off with photos. Now on his Mac laptop his photos were in date order. Shocked to my belief I not only saw photos of him and his ex girlfriend but other girls in the mix. He was saving pornographic photos of other women he was seeing behind his ex fiancés back. There were hundreds of them! I was instantly in shock mode. I was shaking, my stomach was turning and if I looked in the mirror I knew I would have been as white as a ghost.
After seeing videos of him and his ex girlfriends have sex, seeing photos and screenshots of all the different women he was talking to sexually I knew right then I couldn’t trust him.
I moved on and went into his internet search history. F**k! I’ve never known a man to watch so much porn in my life! It was everywhere, there were even hundreds of downloads in his files. Now, I am not a girl to judge men or women for watching porn. But, this…it made me speechless.
When Steven came home from work I questioned him on everything. I asked him if he ever cheated on his ex girlfriends and he said no. I asked him if he ever went behind their backs and sexted girls through snapchat or other social media sights and he said no. I questioned him on why he had saved pictures of half naked girls from snapchat when he was meant to be in a serious relationship and he told me he wasn’t dating his ex girlfriend at that time. I knew he was lying through his teeth. I saw the dates on every photo.
I told him about the pictures in his room and love letters and he told me he forgot about them and that’s why he didn’t throw them out. After all my questioning he became very aggressive and started pointing fingers at me. He said things like “that’s all in my past it has nothing to do with you, if you can’t trust me then we won’t work as a couple.”
Well, I didn’t trust him from then on and I found myself becoming obsessed with trying to investigate all his past relationships and even ours. I wanted to know the truth, I wanted to know what his morals were and if he was continuing to do this in our relationship.
Now, I have always wanted to be a detective. I’ve always dreamed about being a police officer. I seriously believe I should have been hired as one after all the research and investigation I did. I found out that Steven was actively cheating on his other ex girlfriend of 4 years with several different women and was on several different dating sites. I also saw evidence that proved he was actively cheating on his fiancé at the time too.
From that day on, our relationship has never been the same.
One morning Steven left for work as usual and after making him a coffee and sending him on his way I noticed he left his phone at home. I quickly locked the front door and broke through the screen passcode and started looking. I went through his snapchat, Facebook messenger, text messages and instagram. On snapchat, obviously I can’t see what their previous photographs were so I moved on to Facebook messenger. I knew he had deleted every conversation that he thought I was disapprove of and same with instagram. So, I really had nothing to believe he was going behind my back.
Few months later and our relationship was still on the rocks. I was also 32 weeks pregnant. I received a Facebook message from Stevens ex girlfriend, let’s named her Tahlia. My heart was racing so fast I thought I was going into cardiac arrest. The message went a little like this…
” Hi Kaitlyn, my names Tahlia and I’m Stevens ex girlfriend. I was debating on whether I should tell you this but I knew it was the right thing to do. Steven has a history of cheating. He cheated on me through our whole relationship and I always ended up finding out about it but I loved him too much to leave. I found condoms in his car, girls phone numbers and had people contacting me telling me of Stevens behaviour out at clubs. I just want to tell you that I’ve had a girl message myself telling me she slept with your boyfriend a few months ago. And I did some research and found out that you guys were dating at that time. This girl thought him and I were still together so that’s why she messaged me. Steven was at a party that was hosted by my extended family and that girl was there. I told her to tell you but she didn’t want to get involved because she was ashamed. I hope for your sake you see Steven for who he truely is and I wish someone would have told me before I almost made the mistake of marrying him.”
YOU’RE F**KING KIDDING ME!?!?!?
I read that message over and over. I was actually staying at my parents house outerstate when I received that message. I was in more shock than I had ever been and I remember crying on the floor in my bedroom rubbing my pregnant stomach. Steven called me, surprise surprise. He said to me “I’ve just received a phone call from Tahlias brother telling me that Tahlia has been trying to stir gossip about you and I think she’s up to something.” I immediately read the message I received out loud to him. He responded to “yeah she’s a psychopath.” I then hung up on him to then reply to Tahlias message. I wrote something like “thanks for your message. Could you please give me this girls name and number so I could talk to her myself” Tahlia told me her name was Hannah and that’s all she could say. I ended up finding Emma’s Facebook page and quickly messaged her.
I told her who I was and that I would like to hear the story from her. Well, Hannah blocked me and I became very angry in a short period of time. So I made a fake Facebook page and tried to message her again only I did the worst thing possible. I threatened her. I told her if she didn’t tell me the truth I would go to her work and confront her. She quickly told me she doesn’t know who my boyfriend was and that Tahlia was making up lies. So I believed her. I told Tahlia to stay out of our lives and then blocked her on social media.
Let’s fast track to after the wonderful birth of my daughter Ava. I moved outerstate to Sydney 2 weeks after Ava was born to live with Steven in our new house. Things were great, I was loving motherhood and having the privilege of waking up next to my beautiful man every morning.
One day I found out Steven had to go outerstate for work for 2 weeks and I helped him get prepared. The next morning as he was getting ready to leave his phone all of a sudden stopped working and his screen was completely broken. He quickly ducked out to get a replacement phone so he could contact me while he was away. When he left I went back to bed and watched some Netflix on his computer. I open the laptop and noticed that he was previously logged into Skype. Here we go again, my heart was racing. I saw a conversation between what I found to believe was a “robot.” The chat went like this…
Steven: “Hey sexy want to watch me on webcam?” Robot: “Hi baby I want to see you naked and I’m looking for a big sexy man.” Steven: “I’m not looking for a relationship, do you want to f**k me?” Robot: “Yes baby I will webcam you if you sign up and become a member on this porn site.”
Hahahahaha! And I thought Steven was a smart man. LOL talking to a robot!!!! I immediately rang Steven and questioned him. He told me he doesn’t remember anything and for me to grow up and stop trying to ruin our relationship. He hung up on me. At that point I was ready to take my baby girl Ava and fly back to my parents house. I knew something was up. I knew that my gut feeling this entire relationship was a way of telling me he had gone behind my back.
I managed to fix his broken phone after a few attempts. I was able to really dig through his phone and get the honest truth. First, I found in his messages that he had asked his mate if he could bring some hot girls to a party he attended while I was out of town. I found pictures of girls in his photo album, and snapchat conversations that hadn’t cleared. But, here comes the juiciest part of it all….
I decided to go through his purchased apps, just to see what previous dating sites he was on and see if I could hack into them to see if there were current conversations. After scrolling for a while I found and app called “calculator.” Now for some unknown reason my heart was telling me to click on that app and read the description. It read “this calculator app is a secret vault that holds private messages, phone calls and photos for your own privacy.” I opened up that app and had to figure out how to enter a secret passcode in order to log into it. It was simple, he used his screen passcode as his password on the app, idiot. Truthfully there wasn’t much on there, or at least nothing was present. Until, I went into the contacts tab. I found a name and number that looked a little suspicious. The name was Isa and it had a phone number but no messages or phone calls.
I texted that number off my phone pretending to be Steven. I said something simple like “Hey it’s Steven when’s the last time I spoke to you?” She quickly responded with a screenshot of their previous conversation in August a few days after the birth of our daughter. The conversation was him telling her he was drunk and has work tomorrow and that was it. I still pretended to be Steven and asked if she recalled how they met. She replied back saying they met on Tinder in June that year. My heart sank, my stomach was inside out and I had never felt so betrayed in all my life. Steven and I were already 4 months into our relationship in June. I told her my real name and told her the reason I contacted her and she told me she would give me a call shortly to explain what has happened between them.
She called me 10 minutes later and I had just finished putting my daughter to sleep. She told me they matched on tinder in June and he drove over to her house and had sex with her on the 15th of June (the night before I flew down to live with him while I was on maternity leave). She told me that he had told her he was going away for 3 months due to work and he wouldn’t be able to contact her during that period. She then told me he contacted her on the 1st of August and drove over to her house again and had sex with him. Now, I drove outerstate back to my parents with Steven on the 1st of August. I was going to be staying with my parents until I was due to give birth at the end of the month. He flew home that night and texted her saying he was back in Sydney and he wanted to have sex with her again. He did exactly that. She then told me he had messaged her on the 26th of August (after the birth of our daughter) and said he was drunk and wanted to see her but she declined. She kindly enough forwarded me every conversation they had together as evidence. I thanked her and she apologised for not knowing.
I read through to forwarded messages and what really hurt me the most is that he continued to talk to her after Ava was born. He asked her if she would ever stop sleeping with him if she knew he had a girlfriend. He said something along the lines of “aw I guess our fun is over?” To me that implies that he would continue sleeping with her if she was okay with the fact he had a girlfriend (me).
I rang Steven immediately. He was out in the bush and it was very hard to get reception out there but luck was on my side. I called him every name under the sun. He tried to lie to me but after I told him I had spoken with her on the phone and I had proof he very quickly knew he was caught out.
He cried to me and told me how sorry he was and that it meant nothing to him and that he loves me. I didn’t believe a word that came out of that mans mouth. I can’t explain to you the emotions I was feeling. I felt as though my whole world had turned upside down. I felt betrayed, I felt used, I felt disgusted and worst of all I felt sorry for myself. I felt as though my daughter and I weren’t good enough for him. After I abused him over the phone I hung up and blocked his number and on every social media app so he wasn’t able to contact me. I packed my belongings and rang my mum. I told my mum what had happened and she felt my pain like any mother would. I cried for hours.
My mum told me she would fly down to where I was and help me move all my belongings back to my parents house where I would live with my daughter. The worst part was, I still loved him. As much as I hated him and couldn’t bare seeing his face again, there was something in me that wanted to reach out to him and believe it wasn’t true.
He emailed me a few hours later and told me he would kill himself if he ever lost Ava and I. He told me he would change and that he was sorry. He told me he would seek medical help to find out why he hurts the people he loves. But, I didn’t want to hear it. I told him it was over and that I never wanted to see his face again.
My mum rang me later that night and told me Steven had contacted her and asked her for forgiveness and that I was the love of his life and he couldn’t live anymore if I had left. My mum was worried because if something happened to Steven she didn’t want me to have that burden over my head. So, I emailed him again and poured my heart out. I still wanted our relationship over, I wanted it over because if he could do that knowing he had a daughter than that obviously wasn’t good enough.
A few days of staying in that empty house I was patiently waiting for my mother to come down and help me move. I found out from Stevens friends that he had left his work commitments and was on his way to the house to stop me from leaving. They were worried for his safety because he had mentioned that if I wasn’t there when he returned he would end his life. To me that sounds like blackmail.
One morning I hear the door open and I run into my daughters room and grab her and shut the door. He came in and was hyperventilating from crying. I’ve never seen someone so emotional in all my life to the point where he couldn’t breathe. He sulked and made me promises of getting professional help and if I left him he would dedicate his life to finding me and getting me back.
I did something so stupid. I gave in. I told him I forgave him and that I needed to have a serious talk with him about what our future would look like if I stayed.
I told him that if I was to stay he had to see a psychologist within the next week. I told him from now on I would be looking through his phone and going through his phone bill. I would have all passwords to his social media accounts and he agreed. I made it very clear that if he even messaged one girl or lied to me again I would leave his ass so quickly.
That night I went through his phone bills to see if I could find even more evidence of him cheating and I did. I found out he was calling different girls late at night and that he was still talking to one of his ex girlfriends behind my back after he promised me he wouldn’t.
I asked him to confess to every wrong he did throughout our relationship. And I was actually shocked to find out what else he had done. Remember earlier I received a message from Tahlia informing me Steven had slept with a girl whilst we were dating? Well that was in fact true. I also found out through his phone bills that he continued cheating on me after Ava was born. When I heard the truth I knew that nothing would ever be the same. I would never be able to trust him again. I would always be questioning his whereabouts and every sentence that came out of his mouth.
Steven got help and what the psychologist thinks is the reason he hurts his loved ones is because he doesn’t feel he’s worthy enough of their love. Do I believe that? Not one bit. I see things very black and white. I believe Steven cheated on me because he enjoyed that “thrill” he loves attention. He craves sex, he enjoys sex and obviously with different women.
Now let’s fast forward to now 23Feb 2017.
How’s our relationship? Still on edge. Do I trust him? No. It’s definitely effected my well being more than his. He says he’s put it in the past and believes he has changed completely. I on the other hand have severe depression, anxiety and have absolutely no confidence in myself. To this day I feel that I am not good enough, that there is something wrong with who I am and how I look. The only thing that has held me back from ending my life is my daughter. I have nightmares every night that I am stuck in a body that can’t run or scream. I find myself crying and getting inside my head just replaying everything he did to me.
Since I found out he cheated on me, sex hasn’t been the same. I don’t want to have sex with him anymore. All I think about is him making love to someone else. I don’t feel sexy anymore. In fact, I don’t even look in the mirror anymore. All I wear everyday is oversized shorts and tshirts. I don’t want to leave the house because I feel fat and ugly. I don’t have the motivation to lose weight because I feel I am too ugly and that I still won’t be happy. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I’ve told Steven how I feel and he just urges me to seek help. But I don’t want to. I shouldn’t have to seek help about the way I feel because he’s the one who’s done this to me.
There’s been days where I want to leave him but he won’t let me. He thinks I’m not putting in enough effort to move past it and he’s right. I’ve given up. Do I love him? Yeah I do. But if I’m in love with him shouldn’t I be feeling more emotions towards him? Shouldn’t I want to cuddle him at night? Shouldn’t I want to make love to him? Is my love for him growing or has this relationship too damaged in my eyes? Honestly, I can’t even answer those questions. I don’t want to spend my time going through his phone or knowing every person he talks to during the day but I also don’t want to give him that extra bit of leash in case he does f**k up again. My time should be dedicated to my daughter but for 6 months my energy and thoughts have been on past events and anxiety of getting hurt again.
I’ve been told that I’m an idiot for staying with Steven. And I sure do feel like one at times. What’s worse is he doesn’t stick up for me. When girls from his past message him he doesn’t tell them how that affects me and our relationship and that he doesn’t want them in his life anymore. His family doesn’t even know what’s happened. But mine do. I remember one night after Christmas his drunk Aunty was giving me a lecture on how I am lucky for having Steven in my life and for accepting a child that isn’t his and if I was to ever hurt him I would be in trouble. His Aunty pointed her finger at me in front of him and his family and he didn’t have the balls to stick up for me or our daughter.
Do I think he will cheat on me again? 100% I do. So why am I staying with him? I honestly can’t answer that because well I don’t have an answer. I think if I were to stay that our relationship would be forever uneasy.
I don’t know what to do anymore. Now I’m crying while I write this. I believe I am a good person. I have spent my life trying to fit in and make others happy. I have put everyones needs before my own. I deserve happiness and to be loved by someone who doesn’t want to hurt me. I’m so scared of forgetting who I truly am.
If you have ever been cheated on I am so sorry that you had to go through that pain and suffering. Just know that there’s people out there who know your worth and appreciate it. Don’t ever let someone’s actions against you define who you are.
Be strong xx